I am the first child and my parents were more than happy to outspend and give me a befitting wedding. I mentioned that my fiancé called me his lucky charm. He kept telling me how happy he was to have found me.
I helped him get a job, loaned him money to buy a good car and never asked him for money because I wanted him to be able to save. My wedding euphoria died sometime in February this year, exactly two days to Valentine’s Day. I had made preparations ahead of time and even visited Ann Summers to buy some costumes that would make sex on the 14th memorable.
In retrospect maybe I wanted to get pregnant that day because my brand new “nurse” outfit is to die for. In our two years of dating, orgasms were so rare for me. It took us having sex a record five times before, he came once. I asked a doctor friend of mine who told me, he must have some psychological issues (I should have left him then but I didn’t, I was in love or whatever I was in). We talked about this and he said he could control his orgasm that’s why.
You will not know, how relived I was to see his sperm for the first time. Alas, he was normal but the moment he started “cumming”, the sex worsened. I kept hoping that this will improve in marriage as he promised so I quit complaining. The “nurse” outfit is cooling off in my wardrobe somewhere because I never got to wear it.
February 12, 2011 was a day I will remember for a long time to come. I was in my fiancé apartment all day because I had not started working at the time. I was to resume work the following week. I got bored watching television so I decided to browse the internet and chat with friends on facebook.
I picked up his laptop from the room and tried to open facebook. I noticed he did not sign out and his own page opened. I wanted to close it but I got curious because of the midnight calls and his strange behaviors’. I decided to read his facebook messages. This would turn out to be the most shocking revelation; I have ever received in my life. He had a generic message that read something like “hello princess can I meet you, please add me”. Once the girl adds him, he would start chatting with her, exchange phone numbers and fix time to meet so they can have “fun”.
In total there were more than 50 girls he had this facebook exchanges with. One of the girls asked him, why he was looking for a woman so badly, he said because she is very special. I saw mails from some names I recognized on his phone. People he claimed he did not know. After this, I became so angry.
I started searching his apartment for anything I might have missed. I saw a lady’s underwear, a packet of cigarette (he claims he doesn’t smoke) and over 100 packets of condoms of different flavors. I started shaking vigorously; my world was crumbling under me. How did I not know that he even smokes? Who lies about smoking? I was going to marry this guy! I lost all sense of feeling at that point. Tears started rolling down my cheeks freely, I was so confused. What should I do now? There is a wedding in December! Money has been spent! What should I do?
I waited patiently for him to come from work and showed him all his condoms. He was so shocked and started shouting at me. How dare you go through my stuff? When he refused to calm down I told him, I will call off the wedding.
He started laughing that we can’t do that because of our parents. He now looked at me and said sorry they were just cheap available Lagos girls, they don’t mean anything to me, and I was just playing around. I was so shocked at his statements. My born again Spirit filled guy is playing around? Life lost all meaning to me. I managed to stay quiet and think. I left his apartment and took a long painful drive home that night.
I told him to give me some time to think. I went home, wept cried and prayed. After two weeks of deep personal thinking, I did not tell anybody about the issues we had not even family. It was important to take this decision on my own. After some painful soul searching, I decided to call off the wedding and leave him.
In the two weeks I was away from him, he did not visit me. He would call and ask how I am faring and then drop the phone. I could not believe the arrogance of a man who begged me to date him and even proposed marriage to me. He called me one day and said, look Ada I love you let’s get married and forget about all these spoilt girls in Lagos.
You will always be my number one and even those girls outside know I don’t joke with you. That was the last straw, he did not seem repentant to me, and so I left him despite the tears in my eyes, rising from the depths of my belly to leave him.
I informed my parents and they were so disappointed. They kept asking why I could embarrass them like this. I begged for their forgiveness knowing how much they spent on the preparations. I have enjoyed their support ever since. As I write my ex still owes me the money I gave him to buy a car. He said he will pay in installments but he has been defaulting. I keep asking God, why I met such a person who lacks any form of integrity.
I ran into him at Shoprite sometimes with different girls. I feel so sorry for anyone who falls prey to this person. I learnt from his mum that his ex girlfriend loaned him huge sums of money too. The man lives above his means. He dates women from wealthy backgrounds and live off them. He is really a master of his craft because even I known to be a good judge of character did not see this coming. I will not paint him to be the devil. He had pockets of good in him, I guess that’s was the attraction for me. He is a good listener and would call me a million times a day if possible. Plus he is from one of the best families out there.
My greatest regret is that I did not have the opportunity to be his mum’s daughter in law. She was and still is very nice to me. She took me as one of her own from day one and I forever grateful for her love.
I am finally as single as they come but relived God delivered me. You may not appreciate what I mean by this but it is clear to me now that if I married this man, I would have suffered. He will cheat on me and not provide any financial support for our family.
I would have been the bread winner and still have to deal with his children that may come outside wedlock. I know for a fact that I would have been miserable. It is on the strength of this understanding that I keep breathing daily. I now know that despite all the societal pressures it is better to be happily single than to be miserably married just to satisfy people.
I have not given up on marriage, I know it will happen soon but, quite frankly any lazy man who wants to live off my money should check the next girl because this woman is wiser and discerning! It’s hard being alone but hey! It’s well worth it.
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Kai, I blame our society for this crap. I am so sorry you had to deal with this Ada, I really am. Now I hope you learnt a great lesson from all this. In your next go around, please do not ignore the blatant signs. There were too too many to even count but like you I have fallen for a man (believe it or not, he was worse than this one AND he did all the right things by society's standards). My heart bled a little because it made me remember what I went through when I found out about the snake in my own life. You are better off without him and your parents and his mother are supportive of you because they understand. Our society needs to know that a Happy and Sane Ms. O is wayyyy better than a Sad, miserable and possibly disease ridden Mrs. O. Yes, you are right...it is hard being alone but you would have still been alone in your marriage to this man. Now he on the other hand would be filling his time with women and Lord knows what.